in my cozy little corner

of torture. my room may be warm and decked out in holiday cheer, but i just want these damn finals to be over so i can go home! there's only so much you can study in quantitative methods in business before you want to murder yourself.

what can i say. since day one.


anyway, i couldn't resist the american apparel sale once again, so i came home. :) i spent less than $100 and i bought about 10 vnecks, two skirts, two tubetop leotards, a backback, and a bag.

i will miss a few things over break:

- Catherine Dang.
- Margaret Snider.
- Annie and Gabri and going to their apartment.
- bitching about the bay area.
- all of my F21 loves.
- the elevator breaking.
- the gym.

BUT WHATEVER. BECAUSE THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME. :) can't wait to see cotie and brit!

teaser.

i was blessed with an extended Thanksgiving holiday, but it went by much too fast. i love my new room and i missed my bed. I got to see most of the people I love, had IN N' OUT on more than on occasion, shopped until i literally dropped, and bonded with the family. flying in and out was hell, i must say, especially the transports to and from the airport. it only makes me more excited for the next two months because i will be home again more often than not. gas prices make me smile and my dorm room is now decorated. :) only 22 days until Christmas and only a week left of school before finals. I can do this. :)

but one of the things i achieved by going home was realizing that i can still make boys nervous. <3

currently engulfed in:

all worth reading. even guys.

to all

the guys
who steal my number from the break room at work... go back to your girlfriend who's presumably pregnant. i have had enough drama in my life and don't need extra in case i run out.

the girls
who get with guys and after fewer than two months, start saying "i love you babe" and "forever"... you're setting yourself up for heartbreak and i feel bad for you, yet laugh at you at the same time.

MY FRIENDS BACK HOME:
i officially worked my last day yesterday and am now free as a bird until January when I must start hunting for a job... as a nineteen year old. i can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving!!

what happened

to the me that didn't care?

solitary.

in case you didn't already know, these past few months have been amazing just being ALONE. untouched, unbothered. i'm excited to go back home (and apparently, i've moved. wtf)... but i haven't missed anyone. in general, i miss my family and friends, but i just want to be by myself. all the time. i guess i've changed.

can't wait forrrrr..

stinica and rash reunion.
thanksgiving with my family.
vlpv reunion.
so real cru reunion for daniel alvarez's funeral/andrew atangan's birthday.
sleeping on my queen bed again.

steel magnolia.

delicate interior,
rough and unbreakable exterior.

free to

not give a flying fuck.

THE BRIDGE.

riveting documentary.
don't worry, it's not any subtle hint.

PART ONE.



PART TWO.



PART THREE.

* remember what the little boy, sebastian, says about a minute into the clip. haha



PART FOUR.



PART FIVE.



PART SIX.



PART SEVEN.



PART EIGHT.



PART NINE.



PART TEN.



watch this music video.

* p.s. i know the girl in the video with the blonde hair who says at the end, "i tried hurting myself but i'm glad i got help..."



twice a month. someone has jumped.
pray for them.
appreciate your loved ones.

philosophy.

the only man

in my life who has never disappointed me is Jesus Christ.

if i don't pass first semester, it is because of this:

if you are handed it, you can HANDLE IT.

on Saturday, God proved to me that I truly have guardian angels watching out for me. :) After work, Erika and I went to two parties with Marisa Rubio. It was a great reunion because I missed her so much, but I wasn't in the mood to party anymore because I found out I would have to work Sunday and I haven't had a Sunday off since I started. Anyway, I ended up wanting to leave and Demian, Brenda, and Andy met up with us. How convenient that the random bus we took at 12:30 in the morning stopped right in front of CSUSF. and i ended up at the bus stop by myself. normally, in l.a., it's okay to be by yourself because you have a car. but picture being by a dark road like this and being at a random bus stop... freezing:



i know, right? anyway, i got on the bus and took out my little map like a tourist and tried to route where I was going. i knew that once i got off that bus, i had to wait for another one and get on it to get to my school. not fun. i wouldn't be home until 2. anyway, i got on the bus and i sat in the front and the bus driver started engaging in smalltalk with me. he was very nice and before i knew it, he was giving me some very good advice about my life! i was about to get off until he said "do you want me to just drop you off in front of your school?" i couldn't believe it. you really don't understand how big of a deal that is here in frisco. bus drivers are MAJOR DOUCHE BAGS. they would never EVER go out of their way to take you anywhere. on a regular day, you'd be lucky if they would even wait TWO SECONDS for you to get on the bus. I felt really blessed, especially since I was scared shitless after Demian told me he just got jumped in his own building.

So I'm finally trying to acquire some school spirit. I bought two school sweatshirts that are really comfortable. After being here, I think I've already learned quite a bit. I've learned that 75% of the crap that I have pack-ratted over the past 18, (sad to say, almost 19) years of my life, I really don't need and could care less about.

Anyway, I have been very contemplative lately. more than usual. Where am I meant to be in life? I'm very stressed and I keep trying to pray about it, but it's just so hard.

MY COUSIN ANNA HAD HER BABY! She was two weeks early. Welcome to the world, baby Brooklyn Tiana. It's rough and it's cruel, but you will love it.

Come to my GOSPEL CHOIR concert! Sunday, December 7th. No joke, we're really good. Sister Act II status:



I need to start paying attention in philosophy and stop playing tetris in class. I'm really tired. I have my halloween costume, but haven't finished making it.

ohhh and i'm doing my public speaking informative speech on this amazing man:



my intro is to sing the theme song. cardigan. shoelace tying. wearing my "it's all good in my hood" mr. rogers screen tee. closing with the closing song. snappy snap. i'm too good.

for next time: interesting facts about frederick mcfeely rogers.

until then, reflect... who thought mr. mcfeely was fucking scary?

trip back home to LA, blog part II.

and this is exactly why photographs help when you don't know what the fuck you did the night before. you realize how ridiculous you can be with the ones you love.

BE THE CHANGE.

You already waste your time on myspace, facebook, and aim. you might as well use technology to the world's better advantage. credits to moniker for having this on her page a long time ago.

Save The World - One Click At A Time!

On each of these websites, you can click a button to support the cause -- each click creates funding, and costs you nothing! Bookmark these sites, and click once a day!





Click here to post this on your page or 'blog

full of surprises.

this past weekend, i came home and surprised my mom, my dad, my brother, and magdalena catherine mumper. roselin, lindsey and i had been keeping our big secrets for at least a month and we were all finally reunited!

i worked last friday, so it was absolute death. i didn't go to bed until 1:30 and had to wake up at 5. aly took me to the airport and my ears absolutely hurt on the plane. but seeing the sun rise into beautiful southern california took my breath away. the surprise remained a surprise until the very last second when lindsey accidentally chose the wrong words and my brother found out it was me he was picking up at the airport!

i gave lindsey her birthday present: a ring with her name on it, the "i" dotted with a heart. then when we got back to norwalk, i made my brother pull over the car so i could give him his belated birthday present: all nine seasons of his favorite television sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond.



then i surprised my parents and we went out to breakfast. i went to Target, which i had missed desperately in Frisco because the closest one is 9 miles away! Driving isn't that bad, but when you have to take public transportation everywhere, it's awful.

i got my hair cut at regis at the mall and i didn't know it was breast cancer awareness "clips for the cure" day! all cuts were $15. i love mine and desperately needed it.

i never realized how expensive diapers are! I bought some for my cousin Anna, the mother-to-be. I went to her house to her baby shower and I got to reunite with all of my cousins, the next Ramos generation of terrors.

afterwards, i went to my sharty Roselin's house and we had a joyous reunion. we got ready and planned our surprise visit to Maggie. We picked her up, got limes and churros at lbtc, and headed over to Food 4 Less like old days to meet up with Andrea. We hustled a guy into buying us Popov, and he got it for us for free! How sweet of him.

we headed to BlowUpLA and basically, my patron days are over for a while. it was quite a night. i passed out in my bed.




woke up the next morning to take the thrivas home. had breakfast with my SO REAL CRU! went to lunch at Pinoy Pinay with Nestor and Adelia. picked up Andrea at Carlos's house. went to Del Amo Mall with Nilo and Lindsey. went to lunch at Kabuki with Star, Monica, and Maria. sang at the 5. got IN N' OUT. Headed to Long Beach Airport and my flight was delayed an hour and a half. i fucking hate jet blue. and stupid idiotas who decide to get off the plane. i arrived at SFO at 10:30, didn't get back to my dorm or my roommate's loving arms by 12. showered and passed out.

DIDN'T GO TO CLASS ALL DAY. slept all day. ate and slept again. watched TV, went to Gospel Choir, and now, here I am, scheduling my flight home for Christmas and watching Gossip Girl.

this was the best weekend ever. as exhausting as it was, i needed it. i realized how homesick i am, but i got over it. my heart will forever be in love with L.A.

isn't it funny and sad how you know someone is playing you for a fool, yet you let them do it anyway?

WHATEVER.

anyway, can't wait for Whitney Port's new show, The City. she's way better than Lauren Conrad any day.

see you at Thanksgiving. even you, you bastard. if you're lucky.

lead by EXAMPLE.

am i forgetting to remember or remembering to forget?

I have always liked to believe I trusted God with everything, but sometimes it's hard to just GIVE IT TO HIM and not try to be in control. Someone please motivate me to pray more and to never let go of my vision.

And if we are to call each other friends, I'll take it one day at a time.

i was a fool to think

you'd be there when i got back.

seven days without prayer makes

ONE WEAK.

the city is my oyster.

work is taking over my life. this weekend i'm missing lovefest and no one can get over it. geez, calm down, it'll be there next year. i work tonight, tomorrow from 12 - 7, and sunday from 9:30 - 4. wtf have i become? a money-hungry fool. whatever. i don't even care because i'm going to nordstrom's today to treat myself to a nice new purse. :) that's always fun.

what should i be for halloween? i've got a few ideas, but i don't even know! tell me what i would look cute in please. :)

so everyone seems to be writing about love nowadays.

My cliche moment of the day: what is love? Seriously though. Is it the kind of love Noah and Ally had in the notebook-- an attraction and passion so irresistible that even if they tried, they couldn't escape each other, even though it was over a mere summer? Is it the kind of love Harry and Sally had, where they were acquaintances who did not particularly like each other, then grew to become best friends after twelve years who loved each other and got married? Or is love more like the skewed, unromanticized versions we see on television and in movies? Is it like Jay Gatsby and Daisy-- unrequited and unfulfilling, ending in heartbreak, but known to have existed and survived the test of time, even if they couldn't be together? Is it like Jesus' love-- unconditional, worth giving your life for others?

The real question is... why do we try so hard to define love? Is it so that we'll know what it is when it comes just in case we miss it? Or is it because we always have to label everything and understand everything, even things whose purpose is to simply be enjoyed, not fully understood? Yes, I'm guilty of always trying to figure out love and be a lowkey hopeless romantic. But when love comes to me, I'll know what it is. Every kind of love is unique and incomparable, so why do we need to keep trying to one-up each other? So what if Landon took Jamie to the state border so she could be in two places at once or named a star after her. So what if Edward climbed up the fire escape with a dozen long-stemmed roses to give Vivian her fairy tale, even though he was afraid of heights.

I know there's a man out there who is capable of loving me. RIght now, I'm simply concerned with a man who can respect me.

So simply go to church with me and grow old with me and i'm yours.

all in all, a top night.

tonight after work, i had IN-N-OUT for the first time in San Francisco, the first time since August 21st. It was the most delicious food I've had since I've gotten here and the most delicious food I've had since I was a young baby being breastfed. that's right, i used that analogy.



then i took the trolley for the first time... i felt like i was on Full House..



and then i took a taxicab home. :) it was fun... except when the cabbie started talking on his cell phone. wtf. IT'S ILLEGAL IN CALIFORNIA, BUDDY.



and my brother's birthday presents came in the mail and i am currently enjoying them before i have to give them to him. yay.

i didn't do homework, but it was all worth it.

i wish i had a time machine.

i don't want to go back in time.
i don't want to go forward in time.
i just want it to stop.
and i want a fake id.

soooo.. i survived my first weekend as a working girl. i must say, it's not as bad as i thought.

ANECDOTE TIME:

preface to anecdote:
everyone knows i got fired from my first job at tropical smoothie cafe 3 days after being hired. no, i was NOT or AM NOT incompetent. the girl who hired me was the young, excited niece of the new owners. it was a new business and she hired 20 teenagers, which was a mistake. she ended up firing 11 of them, one of whom was me. besides the point, the third day i worked, the two girls i worked with thought they were the shit and tried making me look bad. for instance, they would make me make a random ass smoothie when no one was even in the restaurant. two seconds later, after they saw i had turned my back, in my peripheral view, i saw them take the smoothie to my manager and have her try it to see how crappy it was. dumb hoes. the last i saw one of them, she was working at target and i sure as hell gave her a dirty look.


anyway, from that day forward, i had a fear that girls would treat me like shit because they thought they were better than me. guys never treated me like that, but girls did. working at forever21 scared the shit out of me. little do they know that the only reason i have no work experience is because.. well, SORRRRRRY that they can't say they volunteered at the most prestigious hospital in the nation, maintained a 4.0 gpa throughout high school, and got pretty much a full ride to a fifty-thousand dollar school. those bitches are back at cerritos.

but surprisingly, i love forever21. it's hard work on my feet, but the girls are really sweet. except this one girl who was being sooooo shady to me. or as people in the bay say, "sheisty".

so i'm doing my thing in my zone. on the first two days, everyone is just supposed to organize the hangers but not put things back from the dressing rooms because they don't know where the hell anything goes yet. THISSSSS BITCH tries to talk down to me saying "next time..." and blah blah mothafucken blah. her friend asks me for the manager and i didn't know it was her friend, so i try directing her. that bitch once again chimes in and says "no. let her find the manager herself." so i'm like HELL NO i'm not gonna let this girl talk crap to me just because i'm new. so i say "umm.. i JUST applied. i know what it's like to want a job already." asian bitch pulls her friend aside, talks crap about me, walks back to our zone.

later on, this ghetto girl i work with asks me how i like it. she asks me "how is it going? do you like it? is anyone being mean to you?" so i told her... and she told my manager... that girl had MY BACK FOR SURE. my manager pulled me aside and told me not to worry because everyone should feel welcome working there. she was really sweet. my managers are tight.

anyway, all of a sudden... asian bitch tries being all nice to me. TOO FUCKING BAD I FOUND OUT SHE'S A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.

aka, lesson learned for her: don't think you're hot shit. i'm 2 years older than her, and she tried to talk down to me. wow.





anywayyyy...

i've been working so much that i felt really nervous about my math quiz tomorrow. but then i prayed about it and got a tutor and now i think i'm okay. pretty much, ega, the accounting major from thailand, is my mothafucken hero. the end.

i don't need another HALF to make me WHOLE.

putting off math homework once again.
oh well, i'm gonna be home all weekend, so i'll get to it eventually.

i must say, lil wayne is amazing. the end.

ohhh and tomorrow is my last day to drop ballet, so i hope i don't fucking need it because i'm 75% sure i'm going to do it.

thank God it's the weekend.

death is not the battle; it's the anticipation that kills you.

i am officially a sales associate of Forever 21, San Francisco.
i already know i won't like it, but whatever.
one of the top three in the nation.
150+ employees.
25 million dollar store.
$10/hr.
let's see how long i last. i hope i won't get fired after:

- i want to go home for a whole weekend the weekend of october 18;
- i want to go to santa barbara for halloween weekend;
- i'm home for 5 days on Thanksgiving;
- i'm home for a MONTH for Christmas;

but they have seasonals for that, right?

the second i find an on campus job, sorry people. no discounts for you. i'm quitting.

anyway, last night was absolute death.
i keep forgetting i can't handle 9 shots of vodka.
i don't think i'll be drinking for a while.
my champ status to down them is back, but my ability to hold it in is not.

and i'm officially homesick. i know that the second i come home, i'll be happy, but if i'm there for more than a month, i'll go crazy. i love being away from home, but then again, not. i don't know what i want right now. i guess i just miss my mom and dad because i haven't spoken to them since saturday. i'd be a mess without them and i realize it day after day. eek, once the bills come in, i'll be pretty stressed.

Thank God it's Thursday.

TO ALL THE IMMATURE BOYS OUT THERE:

if you are one of the following, please read:

- you read messages on myspace, but choose not to respond, even when i have apologized.
- you say you like me, but don't respond to my texts, thanks.
- you feed me lines like "hey boo" and "i miss you".
- you are simply an asshole in general.

girls don't like games and only play them because you do. except for me. i'm a straightforward kind of girl and it's funny how i can move 400 miles away and the drama still follows me.

i hate math homework.

anyway, i joined the 9pm choir and love it. gospel singing tomorrow. :) good night.

charmed.

"I believe in pink.
I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing.
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I believe that HAPPY GIRLS are the PRETTIEST GIRLS.
I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
[Audrey Hepburn]

I wish time would stand still and I could do it all.

Russian Roulette.

Maybe there's a reason Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte only have each other.

Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey.

Tibby, Lena, Carmen, Bridget.

Lucy, Ricky, Ethel, Fred.

In THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, Andy Sachs left her simple life to pursue fashion and realized what appeared to be gold was actually rust and imitation. Who will I be? Andy Sachs or Miranda Priestly?

home is where the HEIST is.

Why is it that we only have to miss things when they are gone, appreciate them when we don't have them, and disregard them when we see them? Starbucks nights. trips to Alameda. Jack in the Box at 3 am. unfolding the bed. singing at 5pm mass. ghetto park. In N' Out. Mom's rice cooking. noisy neighbors. Rest assured, I'm happy. I'm growing up, working hard, but wondering... when I get my bachelor's... then what? What's in the plan for me? Who's in my future? Is this what it's like to be scared, excited, and intimidated by the future?

Okay this is way too dramatic for me. good night. :)

when in doubt............. pray.

Ur So Gay is an interesting little song.

soooo i think i'm finally letting my guard down and trying to make new friends. I went with my gut today and sat with a girl and made a new friend.. who is the besttttt, by the way. junior transfer from Whittier College. told me about a sushi place back home that doesn't card. :) and she has an apartment and always has kickbacks and we're pretty much hospitality soulmates.

then i went and hung out with sarah, quinn, rachel, amber, and amanda. sake tomorrow!



FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT MOTHAFUCKEN BISEXUAL. Thanks. Hospitality is in my culture. deal with it.



Anyway, I know that in the end, they'll be there. you know, the ones that matter. :)

some people

sleepwalk through life and don't even know they're sleeping...





until someone wakes them up.

GAME ON, BITCHES.

i've learned my lesson:

ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE HOMEWORK AND NOT THE HOUR BEFORE.
whatever. if i fail this first homework assignment, at least i tried. i know for next time and i'm going to keep my game up. i refuse to fail any class or let my GPA go down!! grrr. math is hard. :(

rest in peace kenny, 3rd floor. you will be missed and i will pray for the repose of your soul as well as for your family.

so... who's gonna watch paris hilton's my new bff?! :)

to my second father, sunny michael.

here is a poem dedicated to you:

Sunny Michael, how I long to see your face,
the fact that you cannot be here is quite a disgrace.
I miss hugging you and your cute little belly,
without you, i'm like peanut butter with no jelly.
if only i could see your beautiful smile,
i would walk home the whole 400 miles.
you are the one who fills my heart's content,
you are definitely an angel-- heaven sent.
come visit me and cook me a meal so hearty,
and while you're at it, bring da sharty.
holding back tears is putting up a fight,
but i will save them for the day we reunite.

i love you, babyboy.

your forevers usually mean never.

just because i'm not in love doesn't mean i don't know it when i see it, or in this case, know when it isn't there.

why is my internet being a bitch again? USF has max security, yet step 5 feet from the campus, you risk getting mugged.

have a jolly weekend.

The finest steel

has to go through the hottest fire.

when life hands you limes...

down your shot and take your salt like a man.


today was the worst day ever.
same outfit as venice, pretty much the same situation.
only this time i was alone.
i experienced my first swoop.
some heartless fiend took my license, debit card, and usf ID, which contained:

- my meal card
- my KEY to my room
- my KEY to my building
- my school debit card
- MY IRREPLACEABLE MUNI BUS/TRAIN CARD

i was so heartbroken and upset. but then I realized, shit happens. I can sit and dwell, or I can get over it, fix the situation, and move on with my life. Which is exactly what I did. I guess that whoever has my shit is in more dire need than me and I hope God blesses that person.

anyway, i'm exhausted. the Bay gets me that way.

just another girl on her blackberry.

deng, class is somewhat challenging, but school is truly hard.







and every day, I thank God that it is the worst of my problems. I refuse to let money, men, or my self-esteem be reason enough to stir my emotions.

classy.

here's the rundown of your college girl:

TR:

Philosophy in Education:

cutest old man is my teacher.



this is pretty much how he looks. i could barely hear him, but he makes me think. the class is challenging, but i guess if everything was easy, i would never step down from my high horse and learn anything. i sat behind this smelly man from thailand, but im sure he showers every MWF.



Appreciation of Theatre:

British professor. 12 students. Lone Mountain, aka, i'm gonna lose weight. my favorite campus. :) I already love this class. so chill, so interesting. Hoping to rekindle my love for theatre.


Ballet:

graciela is my random russian/czech/idunnowhat teacher. this class is gonna be fun and chill. no final!


MWF:

PUBLIC SPEAKING at freakin' 8:15. i'm so glad i got in though. i was signed up for some bullshit english rhetoric class that i shouldn't even have to take, but whatever. i'll deal with that later.

QUANTITATIVE METHODS IN BUSINESS: Math with the most boring teacher ever. Hes a lamesauce version of Santa Claus, basically.

wish me luck in life and love.

bring me FLOURS.

i'm in a quaint coffee house off haight and cole and just enjoying my life right now. living peacefully, everything so serene, listening to my boy Jason Mraz. Is this the life I've been praying for? Yezzzirr, more than I could have ever imagined. I'm in love with the city. I realized that I came here to find my LOVE, as I had been anticipating all summer and since silly prom. and guess what? I've found it. her name is San Francisco. :) I know that's very Carrie-sex-in-the-city status, but it's the truth. Los Angeles will always be my home, my cherished baby that no one better talk shit about. But this is my adventure. My challenge. my cup of tea. Come visit me.

14 YEARS AND COUNTING.

We've been through so much together and through it all... we've survived. playing uno stacko with them, taking cue pics... it made me realize that friendship really CAN stand the test of time if even a mustard seed of effort is made.

wednesday.

my stinica sistahs adorned me with the most amazing college goodbye everrrrr. beauty and the beast dvd. PLEDGED. laminated picture card. picture frame. starbucks picture travel mug. faux sunflowers. peach rings. trident fruit orange gum. starbucks bottled fraps. shia poster. and plenty of tears.




the ones i love. my friends from youth YOUNG ADULT ministry. here's a taste of Vegas.







goodbyes are finally getting ridiculously difficult.

insightful.

"I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God."
-Sufi Proverb

"True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess."
-Louis Nizer

"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities,
and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties."
-Harry S. Truman

"There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."
-A.J. Muste

"Mediocrity is self-inflicted. Genius is self-bestowed."
---Walter Russell

"The shortest and surest way to live with honor in the
world is to be in reality what we would appear to be."
--- Socrates

WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT LIFE:

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never "have it all together".
8. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want I will be happy".
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities, not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming, not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong, don't go with them.

Faith Beyond Measure.

I refuse to have my faith stifled by petty, obnoxious, judgmental, hypocritical people. Who is to say, other than God, whether or not my heart is in the right place, regardless of how I am dressed? Do not judge me. Do not stamp me as a sinner because I already know my place. Accept me for who I am and give me room to change; DON'T suffocate me.

never right.

you would think this is what i wanted to see and hear, but it's not. just when i thought i knew what God was trying to tell me, I don't! why do these silly boys keep popping back up into my life?

publish post.

after today is over, nine days.

what have i learned this summer?

don't ever let your guard down.

getting drunk is simply drowning in sorrow.

clubs are overrated.

there's no reason to fall in love at this age, but there's no reason to be frivolous either.

God is there to help you when your heart is ready.

you will look the way you you want to look when you like the way you look now.

my family DOES care about me more than I realize.

I have self-control.

It takes two people to make any relationship work.

and then.

fine then.

I really don't care about the curse of the ones who leave. I try to act like this ridiculous predicament doesn't bother me, but it really does. Why is it that when you want someone, you can have everyone else but them?

Whatever. Fuck it. Can't wait for the boys in San Francisco. See you at Christmas, baby.

raw.

there's nothing like summer.

revolution.

When you fight with your family, you have no one but God.

You can see a person every single day, but they can still be a stranger to you. Illusion never changed into something real. I'm cold and I am shamed, bound and broken on the floor. you're a little late. I'm already torn. I'll tell you one thing: a year ago today, I most certainly was nottt irked with my family.

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I deserve to be pursued by someone I am genuinely interested in. If you are a part of my past, thank you for teaching me what I want and what I don't. If I want you as a part of my future, please be there when I get there. If not, thank you for one day becoming the reminder that I am WORTH IT and not worth waiting around for anyone.

enlighten me

As to why I always blow it! Fuck. Why do I try so hard to be perfect and I simply can't be myself? UGHHHHHH.

I <3 american apparel.

That's right, I'm one of those. =) the sale was crazy today. Ran on three hours of sleep, four and a half hours of waiting in line in the scorching heat, and two hours of mauling through boxes of clothes for the best bargains of the season. Totally and utterly worth it, being that it was with my girls.

Ohhh, and a word from us all: you are only as strong as those around you decide to believe you are, based on your behavior. Without at least ONE person on your side, just know that YOU ARE NOTHING. We are all BEYOND OVER IT and you need to grow up and get over it too. Sleazy skeezy bitch.

People need to learn how to fight their own battles. Stop acting hard and wish the future fools in your life who are dumb enough to believe all your bullshit A GRAND GOOD LUCK. They'll need it with your act.

wow.

Uninterested.
Don't care.
You're old enough to decide what's good for you but if you're stupid enough not to, you deserve everything fucking you up right now.

Sorry. Tough love I guess.

screwed up.

What is God trying to tell me?

there's the guy who's perfect for me and makes me want to change. But won't make time for me, yet says he wants me.

And then there's the guy I've waited over a year for.

Who makes it to the grand finale?

I bet I'll lose in the end.

the

Only way to have a friend is to BE ONE.

liberated.

The day you told me how you really felt about me was the day you hurt me. But I've come to realize it is exactly what I needed to grow and let go. I will always love and support you, but there's only so much I can do before I am left hurt and alone in the end. I no longer argue because, sad to say, I've given up. I can only pray to God for you and hope that you are happy.

Give it to God.

I'm tired of trying to be in control of every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to guys. Whatever amazing man he wants to put in my life, I'll know.

And yes, a family that prays together stays together, but I believe my faith and trust in God will be enough for now.

Have a lovely jovely day.

oryyyy.

Where are you?
It's been six months
And Magdalena and I miss you.
Please come home.
(To DANCE, that is.)

twilight and evening bell,

And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;

For though from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crossed the bar."

Excerpt from Crossing the Bar, Alfred, Lord Tennyson

worth.

Will you be my best friend someday, please, and not just my summer love?

quiet.

Dearest Adelia Laguerta,

You wonder why I hate the name Ramos? You wonder why I don't want to sign my name to any stupid greeting cards anymore? There's simply one logical answer: those BITCHES are tearing this family apart. Plain and simple. However, I love you, flaws and all.


And to my LOVELY AUNTS AND UNCLES and the select children:

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. You make me fucking sick. I hope you're happy with your selfish lives and I could care less WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU. Frankly, you are my inspirations of what I NEVER EVERRRR want to become nor what I want my family to ever become. I'm glad karma is slowly catching up to you.

Sincerely yours,

Ina Ramos Laguerta

P.S. It's astonishing how people can be raised in the same household, yet think so differently.

down.

And HANDLED.

dare not mistake me for a girl who is shy, unassertive, or doesn't go after what she wants. Yes, some things aren't meant to be. But I firmly believe that is only the case when you've done everything in your power to control your own destiny and God has different plans.

As for now, my worst fear is to become my own worst enemy: THAT girl who thinks with her heart, not her head; THAT girl who puts a guy over herself, over her friends, or over God; THAT girl who loses her morals; THAT girl who lets her guard down to let a guy in and gets her heartbroken. Call me naive and unprepared for heartbreak, but I guess it hasn't happened in so long, the brick wall I put up since then has turned to steel.

But on a lighter note, I'm pretty much floating on air. I like this boy. The end.

river.

I'll leave. Then it'll be too late.

And I'm not talking about suicide, friends, so don't worry.

sponsor.

I had a sober night and a lot of thinking to do and I realized... I can do this. I want to do this. I lovehate the feeling of people believing in me. However, I'm ready for my new life in San Francisco. Thank you and good night.


Ohh and to the future men in my life: I don't play games and I go after what I want, but I completely respect myself and don't lower my standards for anything or anyone. So come pursue me if you want a good woman. =)

limits.

8-10 shots of vodka is never a good idea when you're 5'1 and weigh 115 lbs. I'm tired of toilet hugging and passing out on the bathroom floor. And my drunken confessions get me in too much trouble. If you'd like to come over and massage my back and rid me of this massive hangover, call me.

sundaymorning.

this and all I am, I dedicate to my Lord, with love, hope, and dreams of second chances.

I want to be the old me again. The one who was secure with everything in her life. The one who didn't worry what other people thought about her. The one who didn't spend three hours in front of the mirror trying to be perfect. The one who didn't have to get drunk at a party to have fun. The one who didn't kiss guys she didn't know. The one who didn't yell at her mom. The one who didn't spend money every second. The one whose faith was never, ever shaken. The one who was fearless.

But I guess life teaches you how to not be naive. I want to be the new me. The one who's not secure with everything in her life, but is willing to take risks anyway. The one who hears what other people says about her and instead of worrying, laughs and walks away. The one who can still spend three hours in front of a mirror, but can walk out of the house looking like shit and still smile knowing she'll never be perfect. The one who doesn't need to get drunk at a party, but will drink anyway to hold her title "drunkorexic". ;) the one who didn't kiss guys she didn't know, but took it slow with the guy she actually liked. The one who didn't yell at her mom, but argued rationally with her best friend. The one who didn't spend money every second, but made free memories. The one whose faith was shaken, but returned to God in the end. The one who wasn't fearless, but was able to conquer them anyway.